my own

alas, i didnt allow comments for a while, but now i am. not that anyone would want to huh
reading about transgender kids makes me sad. it also makes me think about my identity, and how important it is, and how i often feel isolated not just from the straight community, but often the queer community as well. i dont have an identity yet. im not an angel either. i wish i could just stroll through life without thinking of how important it is to me how other people percieve me. but i cant. it Is important to me. to the point where i think that self harm is an option, and i dont know exactly how that applies.
i think that informing people about things that i think are important about being trans is really healthy for me. if i didnt, i would not be able to process it myself as well. thats why i speak publicly. it helps me come to terms with my identity.
i really, truly, regret that i didnt find out that i could take action about my not wanting to be a boy until it was too late to have a childhood as a girl. i think that if i had not had many opportunities to be seen and treated as a girl, i wouldnt be a sad about it. but i did. i was both blessed and cursed with the fact that whenever i had long hair growing up, i got to be a girl to strangers. i loved it. but now i dont get that. i dont pass much, and facial hair starts, and im not prepubescent any more.
laura's playground is nice, and has lots of straight/non-trans but queer allies, but how far can that go? can anyone who is ok with their assigned gender, and then assumedly with a large portion of the gender roles that come with that really understand that in fighting one's gender identity, you take notice of EVERY gender cue, and you make up some too. i am sure that all of the things that i notice that i think are gender related, some of them arent at all, but i take them in that context.
one of the things that hurts me the most about not being recognized by others as a girl is not that i feel like they are not validating me, but because it is really hard not to fall back into the comfortable (familiar) male roles that i am used to. if i were treated as a regular girl, it would be a million times easier for me to act like one. instead i have to constantly think about, process and act against a river of male gender cues pointed toward me. i am expected to be competitive, and to have certain values, and so i tend to be slightly more competitive, and act like i care about things that boys care about more (supposedly. these are stereotypes of course) and that of course reinforces the whole thing. they expect, i perform..so they expect it more and more. its a cycle.
class is nye so i must asconce